26 going on 16. In my head. Definitely not on my body.

So I feel strange "discussing" this with the Internet, but maybe I'm hoping someone can explain this to me a little better or give me some insight I hadn't considered.

In general, I liked growing up. Being a child, and teen, sure it was tough be a big girl, blah blah, whine whine, aside from all the usual VERY significant teen dramas that are known to plague any semi-preppy, white-bread high school. Overall, I really enjoyed going to high school (not because it was white-bread). Some of my closest friends to this day are from elementary, junior high, high school, or some combination of the afore mentioned. We all went to different universities, but most kept in contact to some degree, and I can say with relative confidence that I think these people will continue to be part of my life for a very long time. At least I hope so. Anyways. Not the point. [I swear there is one.]

Andrew and I have had many discussions about high school, most of them involve me plaguing him [who resists] with questions about whom, what, where, when. (The resistance encourages more plaguing.) I like to know about that stuff. Maybe that's weird. Andrew obviously feels it's all in the past so it's not a big deal and there's not much to talk about. He's not friends with anyone from his childhood anymore. I know the dry facts of that time, so what more do I need? The way I see it, it's like he has this "closed book" attitude about his former selves. I'm not talking schizophrenia here (we'll save that problem for a different post), but what I'm referring to is the 10 year old version of yourself, the 14-y.o., the 17 y.o., the 21 y.o., etc. I can totally relate and remember how it felt to be those ages, and a part of me still identifies with those "versions" of me. I don't know if that's unhealthy or what, but I feel that way. Andrew flatly disagrees, he doesn't connect to who that person was when he was that age anymore. In general it makes me feel a bit psycho, like I can't get over the past or something. And it's not that there's really anything to get over, like I said, I have good memories from that time. I'm not trying to re-live that period or anything, I just like reminiscing and knowing that "basis" of character. I feel like that time helped define a part of me. So why wouldn't I want to know everything that helped define my future husband? (oh my, I know the 'H' word. Scary.) This could very possibly be a guy thing I just don't get, or maybe it's an individual thing (as in everyone is different, sees things from a different perspective), or maybe it's a lack of maturity on my part. Or some combination of all three and more. Maybe getting all touchy-feely about how one felt when they were 13 is more of a girl-talk type thing (or shrink-talk really, this is starting to sound like I should be on a therapist's couch), and I'm expecting too much of him as a guy. I joke that Andrew can be one of the girls, but in all reality, not so much. I love that he's sensitive (if maybe not so much on this subject), but there is definitely a big difference between us on the testosterone-estrogen-meter.

So some one tell me, is it weird that I connect like that to myself as a child? Do you think that ever stops?

Let's focus on not focusing

It seems I'm having some trouble "un-winding" after the exam. I could not have predicted that I would have this problem. Honestly. I thought for sure, that come the next day I would be rested, relaxed, humming dixie and walking with a little enthusiastic hop in my step. Saturday morning, I woke up (with a blistering hangover, thank you margaritas!), and started thinking, "I hope I passed. What about this problem..." Then Sunday came and I didn't know what to do myself. All this extra time on my hands with which I need not study. It's the same feeling I had in college every Sunday around noon when I just knew I had to go back to school to study for the week that afternoon. It always felt like it was cutting my weekend very-unfairly short. Five days later, I'm still having trouble sleeping in the early morning, I get restless. Let's pray I'm not like this for the next 8 weeks, else Andrew might die of annoyance.

The only way I know how to "un-focus" is to simply "re-focus" on something else, so that's what I've done. Maybe eventually I'll get tired of focusing and just pass out for 3 days. This week it's been preparation for a baby shower this weekend (apparently a lot of pent-up creative energy has just be busting open the floodgates, waiting to use any other side of my brain other than the one that solves concrete mixture problems). Next week I anticipate that all energies will be dedicated to wedding cake choices (oh my! so! many! choices! Let's hope this doesn't turn into another wedding-dress-type trauma.) Following week, bridesmaids dresses, then invitations,..... you see where this is going. If nothing else, our wedding has served as an excellent re-direction of focus for me.

The Ultimate Goal

(conversation among allegedly semi-intelligent women on a break during engineering classes)

T: (snacking on pizza) After this is done, I'm so getting a personal trainer.

L: (nibbling on an apple) I'm starting back with mine in 3 weeks.

I: How do famous people get so dang skinny?

Me: They do a diet combination of meth and coke.

T: One time, one of my friends did coke for like, 2 days, and lost FIFTEEN POUNDS.

L: And then she died of a heart attack.

Me: That's not a great idea.

I: I'd request to be buried in my bathing suit.